Verchu, Justiis and Copious Amounts Of Squid Tears

Cala here. I'd rather be in my recently relocated pond because it's hotter (and more humid) than anything has a right to be. But no, I can't.

Because Ryuu's inability to come up with not-garbage names burns more than the heat. Between that and the aforementioned revolting temperatures, my pond was boiling. And as I don't feel like turning into a literal tasty snack? I decided it was time to crawl out of the water yet again.

So our subject today, as mentioned, is Ryuu's inability to name anything, anyone or anywhere. This has been covered before. Hell, he's done this so much we've had to cover it a couple of times.

But since those posts were made, there's been some names he's chosen that have set the bar at an all-time low. Even by his extremely low standards, these are just awful.

Not so long ago, I was reading the descriptions on some of his deviations then came to one that horrified me beyond speech. About Rabies. Rebé. Same thing. I'm pretty sure I've made my views on her clear before, so I won't restate those. But I thought the fact that she has the word 'angel' in her surname was bad enough, because really dude? That's cheese-tastic. But let's take a look and see, shall we?

[...]   But she knew she didn't have any way to impress him among the others, so she devised a plan to find where Sabé went with that man, knowing what them having a child could mean.    [...]   Sadly, the raid struck in Shantiosia. Houses and property were ablaze, homes searched and items stolen as they went through. One found the four-year-old Rebé, terrified of the events. Sabé and Justiis tried their best to keep their girl--

WHOA, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

JUSTIIS?! ARE YOU YANKING ME?!

YEP, HER FATHER IS CALLED FUCKING JUSTIIS. WHY IN THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?

“Okay, Cala,” you say. “He named a really minor character something absolutely idiotic. Don't we all do that at least once?” Well, yes, but if this was a one-off thing we wouldn't have two prior posts about Ryuu's lack of naming skills, now would we?

The problem here is that this is clearly not the only instance of this, nor is it confined only to minor characters. If you read the previous posts, you know that Ryo's already been covered. Sadly, we still have a load more where that came from.

Another major character of his with a pretty terrible name? Crosshair.

Whose full name is Samantha-Rei Nebulus Dark. No, that's not a joke and yes, that does sound like she should be the best friend of Enoby Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way from My Immortal.

The origin of the name in Ryuu's own words :

[…]  After some years, new inspiration struck me. Actually, it was thanks to ~furan-san's gallery. A picture of Rei Ayanami was on there. I hadn't a clue who she was, but I liked the style of suit.    […]   Liking the name (and Rei, Sailor Mars, being my favorite Sailor Scout when I was little) I added that to her, making her Samantha-Rei.   […]  Another innovation was made, however, using Perfect Dark's theme for Crosshair for a while. At the end of the mp3 track, a guy says "Goodnight Miss Dark". So, guess what was Crosshair's new last name? I then added her middle name "Nebulus" since she's in space all the time. "Samantha-Rei Nebulus Dark" was her final name.

…

I...

… Okay. Listen up, doods. Nebulus is not an actual scientific term. It's not even a word. I can't say for sure as I'm not Ryuu (thank fuck for that!), but the word he was probably looking for?

IS SPELLED NEBULOUS.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE IN RYUU'S CIRCLE OF BS KNOW HOW TO USE SPELLCHECK?

… We'll come back to Ryuu making up words in a sec. Why? Well, I'm gonna dissect the full name, and we'll start with Samantha. In the journal linked, he says her name was originally 'Samantha Array'.

Which is clearly a ripoff of the name of the main protagonist in Metroid, Samus Aran.

Hate to break it to you, Ryuu, but we can still clearly tell you ripped off Samus's name. If you were really serious about putting work into her, you would've scrapped the first name. Completely. Find a name that suits her and isn't a ripoff. There's all kinds of sites you could use for that, like babynames.com or Behind the Name.

As for Rei...

NO. NO. BAD RYUU. BAD. She is not Japanese or of Japanese descent. She's not even a member of a culture that is more or less the equivalent to Japanese like... I dunno, the Shinigami in Bleach or the ninja of the village of Mizuho in Tales of Symphonia. Therefore, SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE A JAPANESE NAME.

After doing some research, it looks like there is a Japanese-named character in Metroid but if your character would be called Samantha Dark and is not multiracial? You probably shouldn't have a Japanese name in there. You can't just lift names, stick them in a culturally-inappropriate situation and expect people not to call you on it.

Don't even get me started on the double-barrelled first name. Unless you're just being mean to a character (and I'm sure this is a shock to Ryuu in all of his character-coddling glory, but some of us are), there is no need AT ALL for a double-barrelled first name.

I've already touched on Nebulus. But I'm probably going to have to say this anyway: Nebulus's not a word, which means it's definitely not a name. I know next to nothing about Metroid, but doing some research shows that most of the human characters in the series have Western names.A brief look at the human category on the Metroid Wikia shows that most people have names like Adam Malkovich, James Pierce, and Anthony Higgs. These are (at the bare minimum) fairly common Western names. You can't just pull something outta your ass and expect it to blend in, but you can definitely expect people to call you on it if it's that clear you haven't done the research.

So that just leaves us with Dark... I really shouldn't have to explain this but guys? That is an adjective. In the vast majority of cases, that is not a name. If no one else in your universe of choice has adjectives for names? Your character shouldn't have an adjective for a name. Also, I know nothing about Perfect Dark. But according to Martin Hollis, the original director of the series:

[...]The character Jo Dark owes something to Luc Besson’s La Femme Nikita, and both strongly reference Jeanne d’Arc. Jo is iconic, heroic, independent, vulnerable and very damaged.[...]

And why was that picked? In part:

[…] ... Fourthly, Jeanne d’Arc is a strong female icon in history, vulnerable, feminine and yet capable of killing multitudes. [...]

I actually don't have a problem with this. It's an homage to a strong woman who defied convention and cultural norms and who actually existed (which makes it highly ironic that Ryuu ripped Joanna Dark's name for another one of his troupe of Sues). It is not a straight rip. That said, the name is still inappropriate for the Metroid-verse, and it's usually a pretty good idea to name according to the naming conventions of the universe, country and ethnic group your character belongs to.

But wait, there's more! While I was writing this, I was also talking to our Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, who dug up something interesting that details Crosshair's backstory a bit:

[...]    She was third in a family of five kids and both parents.     [...]     The eldest, Jacob, was dad's pride and joy as he did the things every boy dream of, being great at athletics and getting the high grades. The older sister, Meredith, was miss perfect, being an excellent cook, decorator and being beautiful. The twins, Anna and Jamie, were both the babies of the family, getting a lot of attention.    [...]

Let's ignore the sexism and 'WOMEN MUST ALWAYS BE PRETTY AND DOMESTICATED. AND MEN CANNOT BE FEMININE EVER' for a bit. As much as I'd like to dwell on that, that isn't what this post is about. My point is very simple:

IF YOUR CHARACTER HAS SIBLINGS CALLED JACOB, MEREDITH, ANNA AND JAMIE, YOUR CHARACTER WILL NOT HAVE A MARY SUE-CLASS YOONIQUE NAME. 

Seriously, the siblings' names actually seem to fit in pretty well with the pre-existing names. Crosshair's, however, does NOT. At all.

(Bonus fact: her Metroid-ripoff counterpart's name is Volvox. I MISREAD THAT AS VULVA TWICE, GUYS. Just a tip for character creators: Say the name aloud the way you want it pronounced. If it sounds like genitals, drugs or some heretofore undiscovered sex act, CHANGE THE NAME. I shouldn't have to explain this either, but clearly I DO.)

Things are gonna reach a new level of suck at this point, so a disclaimer. I'd suggest people with a low stupid tolerance look away now, because I'm not responsible for what happens to you if you don't.

See, Ryuu has a character called Envvi Skorm, which is a pretty damn awful name in and of itself. She is a ripoff of Veran from Zelda: Oracle of Ages who steals Ryo and tries to seduce him. Then fails, because he's so in wuv with his special sweetie schnookiewookums Queen Zelda. Which is, of course, nauseatingly Mary Sueish.

From the description on his sketch 'Envvi Skorm Redux [sic]':

A long time ago in the land of Termina, even before the age of Clocktown, the Ikana Kingdom ruled the land from the desert canyon province, Igos Du Ikana as the king. His wife and Queen of Ikana had one thing unfortunate in her life - being sister to a woman by the name of Maalis. Maalis made many attempts to kill her sister and try to become queen, herself. But all her efforts proved futile.

…

MAALIS. MAALIS. JUST... SERIOUSLY, RYUU? I DON'T... WHY!?

… Breathe, Cala. Breathe. Okay. Gonna start this off with saying A CHARACTER DOESN'T NEED TO BE ROYALTY TO BE INTERESTING, RYUU. Seriously, count how many high ranking nobles/royal characters he has. Now count how many of them are actually interesting. Clearly, he's missed the point completely.

And now... Maalis. If you don't get it? Say it aloud. Sounds like Malice, right? COULD YOU BE ANY MORE OBVIOUS, RYUU?

There's subtle symbolism and then there's beating you upside the head with it. This is definitely the latter.

Well,on with the show:

Maalis's daughter, Verchu, disliked how her mother was behaving. She learned of her mother's attempts of assassination, and instead of following her example, she attempted to bring peace to the two families.

… FUCKING VERCHU. THAT LOOKS LIKE SOME SORT OF MUTATED FUCKING POKEMON.

"What? Your Raichu was exposed to toxic motherfucking waste! Raichu is now evolving! Congratulations! Your Raichu evolved into Verchu! Watch out for the radioactive claws!”

But that isn't all of it. Oh no. Nonono. Did you really think I'd be nice enough to let it stop there? … Wait, you did? Well, that was silly of you. Flattering, but silly.

Maalis was enraged, when she found out, but did nothing for Verchu was pregnant. If her daughter was hopeless, then her grandchild would have to do... Verchu soon gave birth to a daughter. She was named Kyndnace. Maalis knew her time was now. She personally destroyed her own daughter and brought the grandchild Kyndnace into her own care. She didn't like the name of this new baby, so instead Maalis named her Envvi.

…... KYNDNACE. KYNDNA--- PLEASE KEEP HITTING ME UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH SHITTY, PAINFULLY OBVIOUS SYMBOLISM, RYUU. GO ON, I DON'T MIND. I ACTUALLY LOVE IT.

So, if you've missed why these names are so awful? Say 'em aloud.

That's right! HE CALLED THEM MALICE, ENVY, VIRTUE AND KINDNESS.

ERFVSREBVEFACHKDW!

I don't even need to explain why this is fucking dumb, do I? I don't think so. If you can't understand why this is fucking stupid, go punch yourself in the face as hard as you can. Sooner or later you'll either get it or black out.

 My final thought here, which has nothing to do with names but is also part of Envvi's backstory: 

[...]     Their efforts angered Igos, who was quick to discover who had done it, to the extent of banishing them from Ikana to the highest reaches of the SnowHead region, their punishment being to freeze to death.    [...]

If he's in the canyon, how the fuck is he supposed to enforce this judgment? How the hell is he supposed to stop them from wandering off to, like... Clock Town or Great Bay or something?

HE CAN'T. HE CAN'T UNLESS HE SACRIFICES A BUNCH OF HIS PEOPLE TO KEEP AN EYE ON THEM. … And knowing Ryuu, that's exactly what happened as he's shown signs of being a sadistic jerk. To the degree where I think he really needs to see a therapist.

There's logic, then there's Ryuu logic. And the latter scares the hell out of me.