Ryo's Temple of Lulz: SACRIFICES???

Welcome to Ryo's Temple of Lulz! I was so torn on what to start with first. So much to spork and critique, so little time. Clearly the solution is doing these in order of the screenshots I got.

So have part one of Ryuu's Ten Commandments ripoff. 

No, not the Charlton Heston movie. I'm not even talking about that shitty Ridley Scott movie.

I mean Ryuu decided to rip off the literal ten commandments, because ripping the Bible off once wasn't enough. Of course, he did change and add a few things:

Words cannot express how glad I am someone else
transcribed this for me.

Who wants me to go over this shit?

Oh, you'd rather spare yourself some terrible English and idiotic leaps of logic?

Too bad! If I have to do this, you're coming with me. I do it out of love.

LEARN AND READ ABOUT THY HOLY DEITY OF FIRE RYUKENDEN

Obvious question time: If Ryo is the only deity the Wood Elves have like the content dump says, and we're in his temple, why do you need to learn about him? If you're one of Ryuu's stupid ripoff elves you already know who Ryo is, and if you're not you probably don't care. Why would you even be in that temple for RP purposes unless you're converted or going to?

And even from an OoC perspective, the primary players on this server at the time this thing was created were all members of Ryuu's forum, and unless I've been badly misinformed, all three of them have RPed with Ryuu before.

That means they've seen Jesus cosplaying as the Goodyear Blimp before, and that this is completely pointless... unless Ryuu is trying to find a new way to make people praise his character, and by extension himself.

Again.

... well I think we've answered the question of 'why did he even make this', haven't we.

 Thou shalt not dive into the moat of magma. It burns.

How fucking stupid are your worshipers if they don't know that, and how fucking juvenile are you if this is one of your commandments. 

In all seriousness I think this is supposed to be funny, which... whether he succeeded or not is subject to taste. Whether or not you think he did, I can't think the timing is fantastic. 

I'm just not sure making jokes right in the middle of telling your followers to write down these life rules a very good idea.

I mean, can you imagine how stupid Abrahamic religions would look if they had "thou shalt not kill," "thou shalt not steal," "thou shalt not bear false witness" and then "SO A RABBI, A HOOKER, AND A SHEPHERD WALK INTO A BAR..."? It'd be impossible to take it remotely seriously, and I'm just talking about the people who believe in YHWH. People like me who don't would quite probably laugh themselves into an early grave. 

From a gameplay/RP perspective, if you have to make a commandment out of this, then I'm forced to draw the conclusion that Ryuu's wood elves are a pack of gibbering hopeless morons.

Desecration of the temple will make the deity very angry.

If  Ryo's congregation (as it were) are hopelessly devoted mindless worshipers incapable of questioning their faith ever, who the hell is vandalizing this fucking temple?

Look, in all seriousness, this reads like Ryuu's trying to threaten his friends into making their characters behave the way he thinks they should.  There's a public record of him being a control freak, and he's so spoiled and inflexible I can't help but wonder how much worse it is in private. 

If I was his friend I'd have some concerns about all of this now, because egotistical control freaks don't usually make for great friends. Trust me. 

The Fire Deity delights in gifts, such as fresh milk.

Yes, Ryuu, we know you have a milk fetish. I don't know if he thinks other people like their favorite drinks so much they never shut up about them or what.
 
I don't bring up how much I like raspberry Sprite and how much I wish it was served outside of the local movie theatre at every possible opportunity, and jam it into all of my characters. That's not a thing people do because it's fucking weird.

But Ryuu's fetishes aren't the point.

The point is, why on earth would you give offerings to a deity whose only contribution so far is 'don't stand in lava, you'll burn'? Who apparently has anger management issues on top of that, based on these signs. There's no support, no sense you're loved and valued, just 'praise and respect me because I said so and I have a temper problem'. 

There's no discernible reason to worship this guy, who probably only values you as a source of praise, over someone who'll actually care what happens to you for your own sake, you're just there to pat his ass or he'll explode at you--

 Sacrifices are classic ways to call forth his attention.

... I'm sorry, WHAT?

Okay, um... This is really not a great thing to do when your character has a history of violently overreacting.

This is the sort of thing that should be explained, by the way. Not 'don't jump in the motherfucking lava', because unless you're a toddler or from a place where lava just doesn't exist then that should be glaringly obvious.

If Ryuu really wanted to go this route, he should've explained what kind of sacrifices His Imperial Heinousness expects. I mean, you can sacrifice animals, inanimate objects, money, hum---...

... Oh.

Oh no no no.

Please, please don't tell me they're human or other sentient beings.

Even for Ryuu that's going too far... right? 

Right?

... you know what, I think I'm gonna leave this here. I'll be back with the second row of signs at a later date. Ciao.

When Epic Failure Becomes A Religion: Content Dump

Hey. So I haven't been posting much of anything recently because I just haven't found anything that tickled my fancy enough. And then I got some stuff from a person I know that...

Well...

You'll see.

The deal here is that apparently one of their friends stumbled onto a Minecraft server (if that's what you'd call it?) that Ryuu plays on.  I don't do Minecraft, I don't understand how servers work with this game, but you can supposedly find this shit at play.reeseriverson.com.

I believe it's run by Ryuu's friend Hoodcom, based on the URL, but my source says it's a public server, so if you play Minecraft and wanna go take a peek at this shit before Ryuu chickens out and deletes it all, go for it.

I was told Ryuu made a temple to his roidy Jesus wannabe. I rolled my eyes and figured it couldn't be that funny, but then I opened the folder full of screencaps.

I was so fucking tickled I laughed silently and clapped like a moronic seal. It's like christmas came again, because you can actually see how Ryuu's devolved as a writer between CotT and this tripe. 

There's a fair amount of content here so I'm gonna spread this out a little. This is just a content dump.  Apologies for the size of these, some of them are just unreadable if I resize them. Even cropping the program bar out of these was a pain in the ass because the resolution is so much bigger than what my shitty PC could handle. You can probably figure out where I decided 'screw it' and quit cropping it out.

If you don't want to open massive files or just hate reading walls of text on Minecraft signs,  I've included transcripts of the stupidly long walls of signs. Some of these were done by the person who grabbed the screencaps and some of them were done by the person who sent them to me. Gonna go off course for a second to say thanks for saving me a serious headache!

Anyway, I've added some paragraph breaks to the transcriptions but I didn't really proofread anything, so please forgive any errors beyond Ryuu's usual inability to write.

List of the players: Ryuu, Hoodcom, Alexman, and LogicalFish.
The signs say the stuff in the screenshots dates from 2011.

These look like blue curtains to me but my source says they're portals. Signs point to two different worlds.

Oh look everyone, here comes the rampant egomania.

TRANSCRIPT:

LEARN AND READ ABOUT THY HOLY DEITY OF FIRE RYUKENDEN

(first row)
Thou shalt not dive into the moat of magma. It burns.
Desecration of the temple will make the deity very angry.
Ignoring thy deity's words is not a way to please him
The Fire Deity delights in gifts, such as fresh milk.
Sacrifices are classic ways to call forth his attention.

(second row)
Plunderers will be dealt with severely. Just don't.
Ryukenden's wrath is very fiery. Don't risk it.
When he replies to your gift, heed is words. He will smile.
When he is pleased, he may grant a wish in his abilities.
When he appears in the town, revere his presence.

Sumbit? Proofreading is for lesser beings, I guess.

TRANSCRIPT:

The oath of the Priestess, Written as it is required
Ryukenden, my true guardian spirit, I sumbit myself to you.
Your commands, your promises, your statues, I will follow
I lead your people in your will, and you lead me by it

SPOILERS: THIS STUPID FUCKING THING
IS GETTING SPORKED SEPARATELY.

TRANSCRIPT:

Thousands of years ago, the virgin land was dwelt upon by two destinct tribes: Wood Elves and Blood Elves. The Wood Elves worshipped the Deity of Fire, Ryukenden. They prayed to him and praised him for their lives, be it in peace or be it in trials. They loved their overseeing one.

The Blood Elves worshipped the realm of the Nether and its demons. They believed only darkness had strength. The Blood Elves despised their Wood Elven cousins for their peace and prosperity, thinking their Deity was weak, for his wrath never poured upon them.

They sought to bring a more worthy ruler to this land. They toiled to complete their work and the Nether was open to the world. From it came the horrible Dagoth-Bal, the king of the Nether. But the sunlight made him blinded and angry. He raged through the land, rage the Blood Elves could not control.

The Wood Elves called upon the Fire Deity for their protection and salvation from the demon. And lo, light came from the heavens, a figure descent from above-- Wings of four, body carved like stone.

The Fire Deity had come!

He drew His sword, longer than His height. He then waged his war against Dagoth-Bal. Their bout clashed for three days and nights without cease. Then at last, Ryukenden struck Dagoth-Bal a mighty blow, leaving him paralyzed! Ryukenden bound him with chains of holy fire and cast him back into the Nether.

The Blood Elves came to him, asking what dark entity he was to be more powerful than the Nether. The Fire Deity was offended and said unto them, "You believe I am evil because my strength is much? How dare you propose I am of darkness! Open your eyes, you courters of demons! I shall give you what you so desired! You will serve your coveted king all of your days!" And he cast them into the Nether, tearing the portal apart.

He then praised the Wood Elves for their loyal and faithful prayers. He blessed them and promised He would always protect them from harm. He rose into the heavens, giving His blessing to heal the burnt land below.

To give thanks for the Elves' deliverance, they built a mighty Temple with His image in the place where victory was had. They began to give their prayers at the Temple, and further still, they were blessed. This is the way of Valandil. We praise our Holy One for our freedom. Amen.

This sign is next to the literal wall of text
in the following screenshot.

My god, Ryuu. Get a life or something.

TRANSCRIPT OF LEFT SIDE:

THE VALANDIL APPLE

Deep in the valleys of Valandil, there is a tree which bares fruit of gold and yet it is not a metal treasure. Hidden away, this tree rests and undisturbed it remains except once a year, when its fruit can be harvested.

Only one bite one must take of this fruit, for it performs miracles to the mortal body, but a greedy soul who takes two bites shall fall ill and perish.

This gift of the Fire Deity will only be taken by the one whose heart is of gold like the gold apple itself and the miracle is done.

TRANSCRIPTION OF RIGHT SIDE:

THE COLDEST WINTER

It came without warning. No prophecy told us it would come, but came, it did. Clawing the air, the winds did, our skin tore at its whim, our homes a futile means of escape from it.

The snow violently built upon our land at a rapid pace. All of us took refuge in the Sacred Temple. But living inside without food could not be done. Many animals froze out in the ice, so they granted us our meals. The heat of the Temple's lava was like our Deity wrapped His arms around us in a father-like fashion. He kept us safe from the icy torment outside the Temple.

Once the snow ceased to fall, we examined our homes. They were gone... and the land to the South was unnaturally quiet. . .

Presumably this is the temple exterior.

I love how he's supposedly been moving his characters out of Zelda
but there's still a big ol' fucking Triforce right there.
Never change, you talentless hack.

More Triforce at what I'm assuming is the altar.
 Oh look, it's also a LttP Great Fairy Fountain ripoff.
Original universe my ass.

He keeps shoehorning his milk fetish
into everything and it is getting super weird.
Ryuu, please stop.

This is the stupidest thing I've ever read
and I've read My Immortal and My Inner Life.
Oh my god, my sides.

TRANSCRIPT: 

THE GREAT WAR AND THE MAGE OF WHITE HAIR

At one time, the land of Valandil would reach the shore of the West and the East, the North and the South, the land protected by lava being the most holy ground. However, this blissful era was to come to an end, when suddenly odd contraptions started being sighted in the horizon.

Ships from other countries came sailing to the sacred land of Valandil. They contained many strange men and they intended to stay. We did welcome them as to not try and make them want war with us. They each set up small houses to live in, each nation with its own portion of land to dwell on. We still roamed freely, then. 

Then one day, there was a dispute amongst the strangers, claiming one to have wronged another. Their feud caused them to build great walls, turning their houses into fortresses. They only knew of hate for one another and had forgotten why.

It was not long before war came to this land, us being forced to ourselves seal in the most holy land. Fire, swords, anger and rage were rampant. It was as if our own land was no longer home. We prayed to our Deity to deliver us from this horrible war. 

Days later in this war, a man with bright flowing white hair came to us. He passed the Temple's trails and said to us that he was summoned by a great god of fire to cleanse our world from this band of corrupt settlers. He proclaimed from atop the Temple unto the outer lands, "I am casting the spell of destruction! This entire continent will be torn asunder for your wicked ways! You can't stop me, for it will happen in 30 seconds! May the Fire Deity have pity on the souls still innocent! Goodbye!" 

But the fight was so great, they did not heed his calls. In 30 seconds, great lightning came from the heavens, the ground erupted with fire, brimstone was like rain, the great war ended with all sides wiped away. The land within the lava wall had been protected by our holy one. With his work done, the Mage left us, built a boat and left the land. 

There was one man who came out of Temple when it was over, a man who resembled our Deity. He offered to rebuild the destroyed land and make it a great country, he would be its ruler and would make a pact to protect us from other people trying to over-take us. Our priestess did agree to let it be so. A castle was built on the east coast, marking the first day of Elendil.