Attack Upon Kakariko can be found here.
SQUID NOTES: So today, I'm doing my first Ryuu-related MST. This is also gonna be a crosspost, as Rinku suggested I do so. This thing's THAT bad and due to my mood being significantly less than charitable, this is loaded with all kinds of mean-ass snark. You can find this at both Z: EF and my own side project, Calamareye's Pond, which I'm going to shamelessly plug... right about now, actually. And as I'm too lazy to edit my author's notes, you'll notice they look stunningly familiar.
And now with no further ado, I give you Attack Upon Kakariko.
Attack Upon Kakariko
C: Because Attack On Kakariko is too mundane for someone such as His Grace The King Of Fail.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: “This is taken from Zelda's point of view, so a lot of the scene is missing for now.
C: Hey. Remember way back in 2010 when my first Ryuu-specific Z: EF post was made? On Ryuu's bullshit sexism? So do I, suddenly.
Ryo later tells her how things went, so you'll eventually get the whole story.
C: Come ON. OoT proved she's capable of holding her own, though TWW!Zelda is more badass by far.
If this was a video game, though, you'd be playing through the events as Ryo, even though the narration is from Zelda.
C: Yeah, that's not sexist either.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
C: The magic eight ball says 'don't count on it.'
...please pardon any/all spelling mistakes.”
C: No. You have no fucking excuse. This was uploaded in... 2007. You should be able to fucking spell on your own by time you were 17/18.
----
Narrator: Princess Zelda
C: WOW! REALLY? I NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED.
We trod on the Death Mountain trail once again to leave the
C: THIS FUCKING SENTENCE. HOW MANY KINDS OF AWKWARD CAN ONE SENTENCE BE?
hights.
C: HIGHTS! TIGHTS FOR GUYS THAT CLING IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT WE MEAN.
I could not help but sit down a moment, for I was tired.
C: Yeah, people just plunk their ass down in midair all the time--- Waaaaaaaait...
Usually standing and sitting a lot, I wasn't used to walking and running all day.
C: Because the woman who became Sheik and followed Link all over Hyrule is fragile.
I thought I had just sat down for a second when I suddenly heard Ryo ask me if I was okay.
C: And I bit back the initial reply of 'I was much better before you spoke to me, thanks.'
"Yes, I'm alright," I answered. "I'm just not used to all the running is all."
C: …. Have you seen Sheik's legs? Gender debate entirely aside, I don't think Princess Zelda will be totally worn out halfway down Death Mountain's trail...
"It is very tiring for you, isn't it?"
C: What's tiring is dealing with dipshits like you who think a woman can't be physically strong. You steroid-gobbling jizz-splattered bison phallus. Go die, plz.
he asked me, coming closer.
C: NO! BACK OFF, HEATHEN, YOU'LL CONTAMINATE ME WITH YOUR BELIEF IN PAGAN GODS! YOUR KRIST IS POWERLESS AGAINST THE GREAT GODDESSES!
"Yes, but I'll be okay," I replied. Either he didn't listen or he was protesting a little to my words, but he reaches his hands at my legs and back.
C: Because the little woman doesn't know what she wants. Go get yourself locked in a freezer.
Before I realized it, he was carrying me. I pushed a little bit against him in my own protest. "Oh, Ryo! You don't have to carry me!"
C: She's right. Besides, she'll prolly get there faster on her own than with Dippy the Walking Piece Of Masonry dragging her along.
"You're tired, M'Lady. You need to relax,"
C: More of the little woman not knowing what she wants. Scratch the refrigerator. You need to be locked in the Ice Cavern for a while.
he smiled to me.
C: Just because you smile doesn't make this any less akin to a two year old throwing a tantrum because he was told no. Go to your room. You've been a very bad boy, Ryo. No dinner. No dessert.
"But it has not been I who has fought and defeated two huge monsters and lots of little ones in one day!
C: No, you're just being manhandled by the biggest one of all.
Surely you need rest far more than I!" I argued, but not harshly.
C: He actually prolly does. Look at the fucking size of him. I'll be shocked if he can breathe well...
"Kakariko isn't far. My legs can still take us there without problem,"
C: The problem is, they just detach from the rest of me, wander ahead and then come back with a wagon. If they don't return, it's a mess.
he responded. "However, I don't think the beds in the inn will be like your bed at the palace. I hope you'll still be comfortable."
C: It isn't like she spent seven years on the run from Ganondorf or anything, nooo.
I stopped pushing against him, knowing he wasn't going to let me go.
C: The first half-sensible statement in this shitting thing. Please tell me the next step involves her hitting in the nuts with an ice spell?
Somehow... even though I had been protesting, I didn't want him to either.
C: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, squids and squidettes! Ryuu has NO FUCKING IDEA how women's minds work.
Instead, I decided to let him hold me.
C: ….. GodDAMMIT.
I rested my head on his shoulder as I answered, "It's not that hard to make me comfortable."
C: Seems all she needs is to put her head on a shoulder like a rock. Uh... Well, I wouldn't think that'd be real comfortable but whatever floats your boat.
I closed my eyes and just felt Ryo's hold on me.
C: Because with hands the size of non-grotesquely disproportionate peoples' faces, you can't not feel it touching you.
How warm he was... Even though I had not seen his body in detail, I could feel he had a powerful one.
C: Powerful is not the term I'd use. 'Silly', maybe. 'Laughably disproportionate' would be better. 'David Banner-esque but without the green skin' would also work. So would 'what the fuck is that guy injecting', really. I'm not picky.
I soon found that I have been silly to attempt and refuse his service.
C: WHOA. WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT BEING CARRIED. SAVE IT FOR LATER, YOUR HIGHNESS AND FREAKAZOID.
At last we came to Kakariko Village.
C: Because the Death Mountain trail ends next to Gerudo-slash-Saiyan Valley--- Wait. Wrong MST. Sorry.
Lucky for us, the inn was close to the trail's gate.
Wow! How magically convenient!
When we entered, Ryo apologized that he'd have to put me down now,
C: Can someone put ME down? All the badfic I've read is making me lose my will to live, especially coupled with the Left Behind series.
but I said he did not have to be sorry.
C: You're right. He should be sorry for laying hands on you in the first place.
When we were to pay for our rooms, Ryo handed the man a purple rupee to pay for us both!
C: Wow! What a shitty inn this'll be if they charge 25 rupees a room!
"You really are too much sometimes, dear Ryo," I giggled.
C: So over the course of a walk he's gone from 'GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME' to 'dear Ryo'. Ryuu? THIS IS NOT HOW CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WORKS.That is all
"You do not have to pay for my stay here."
C: Don't be silly. He has to pay for a lot more than that, from where I sit.
"We have been finding rupees all day in those dungeons, so why not I put them to good use?" he asked me. "You can re-emberse me
C: I totally misread that as 're-immerse' And I had mental images of him being waterboarded at Gitmo. I shouldn't have found that amusing...
if you want, M'Lady, but by all means I don't have a problem with parting with a few extra rupees."
C: Which is why we're apparently staying at Shitty McShitterton's Bargain Basement Inn!
I tilted my head a little in curiocity.
C: I thought we were in Kakariko. I've never heard of Curio City. Could I get directions?
Normally, a wanderer type
C: A WANDERER TYPE. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
needs all the money he can get to survive when he reaches towns.
C: In which case, he must be fucking filthy rich. The dude's built like the Hulk. He's gotta eat a load. That isn't cheap.
Here, he was freely giving away his rupees for me - one who had more than I needed right then.
C: OOOH, HOW GENEROUS HE IS! IT'S NOT LIKE I REALLY TRIED TO PAY. OR LIKE HE'D LET THE LITTLE WOMAN PAY EVEN IF I DID!
The innkeepr
C: Is that like a Feraligatr or something?
handed us our keys and we walked to our designated rooms. Ryo followed me into my room for a moment.
C: Creeeeeeeeepeeeeeeeeer.
I began to remove the armor that rested upon my shoulders
C: You mean the PAULDRONS?
and he made sure the bed was smoothed out.
C: … That isn't creepy at all.
I removed my tiara and placed it on the side table
C: If you were climbing Death Mountain, why were you wearing it in the first place?
and Ryo fluffed my pillows.
C: Which is what he should be doing. Not being king.
I began to smile as he was doing this volentarily.
C: He may be doing this voluntarily, but volentarily? I think not.
I never once asked him to do these,
C: …. I'm... Sorry?
yet he wanted so much to make sure I would be comfortable here.
C: Hello, author's-self-wank.
I removed my gloves and my shoes and Ryo stood back to let me sit on the bed a minute.
C: YOU ARE SITTING THERE WATCHING HER UNDRESS. YOU ARE ON TOP OF HER AND ONLY MOVE BACK SO YOU CAN SIT ON THE BED. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE?
"You really are too much sometimes,"
C: Not what I was looking for--- Oh, there we go. YOU'RE SEXUAL HARASSMENT MAN.
I repeated with a smile. He simply smiled back to me pleasently.
C: Which has nothing to do with 'pleasantly'.So I choose to interpret it as a synonym for 'lecherously.
"I hope everything is well for you, my Princess,"
C: Everything was fine till you followed her in here and started watching her strip, you freak.
he bowed. "I wish you pleasent dreams tonight."
C: Not while I'm here. For god's sake.
"I wish you pleaent dreams as well,"
C: Jesus. That's the second different misspelling of pleasant I've seen.
I nodded happily. He began to leave the room, knowing I would need to get out of my dress before I could go to sleep. He was good enough to know not to stick around for that.
C: And yet he decided to sit around and watch you take off the rest of your clothes. He's still a creepy asshole.
Before he closed the door all the way, I spoke up, "Ryo...! Thank you." His smile seemed all the more genuinely happy, hearing that.
C: Oh my GAWD.
He's such a kind-hearted man... I thought. He doesn't mind taking a few hits for my sake... But why...?
C: Does the author repeatedly basically start jerking it over his self-insert? I have no idea, Your Highness.
I removed other garments I was wearing
C: Ryuu has no idea how dresses are worn, clearly.
except for my closest wear.
C: ….... The terms 'undergarments' or 'underwear' or 'linens' never crossed your mind, Ryuu? Dear god.
I slid into the covers
C: Into now = under, apparently.
and laid myself down, smiling about the events.
C: You shouldn't be. You didn't even get him in the balls with ice. Dammit.
Even though they were over and I was alone,
C: Because... You can only think filthy thoughts.. When in the presence of others? Oh my god that's gonna get awkward.
I couldn't take my mind off of.... him....
C: HOLY SHIT, THERE'S BEEN A MAJOR EXPLOSION OF EASY CHEESE ALL ACROSS THE UNITED STATES!
Then I was disturbed in the night by the sound of glass shattering next to my room and then accompanied by a loud, hoarse scream!
C: I'd be more worried about the run-on sentences, to be honest.
Frightned,
C: Wha... You're so frightened you fart, I guess?
I sat up, holding the covers up in front of me.
C: BRILLIANT IDEA. IF THE WORLD IS ENDING YOUR BLANKETS WILL PROTECT YOU. ARE YOU FUCKING FIVE?
I looked around, but I could not see anything out of the ordinary.
C: You're in your room. That'd be why.
At last, a knock came to my door.
"C-come in...?" I responded shakily.
C: ….. Time of crisis and SHE JUST LETS WHOEVER IT IS COME IN. FUGEIDHFWFF4.
The door opened to show Ryo!
C: Le gasp!
He was simply wearing his pants and shirt, no gauntlets, boots, or even his chainmail
C: So he... Got dressed and ran outside barefoot? Brilliant. Hope you're up to date on your vaccinations, O Lord High Dipshit of Moronia. 'Cause if you step on a dropped rusty weapon you are SO fucked.
. I saw his hair's full length for the first time,
C: Sounds so WRONG.
and how long it was!
C: HOW LONG IS IT? … Wait, that wasn't a joke. My bad.
It flowed smoothly like a waterfall of fire.
C: …. How the fuck can fire form a waterfall? You'd THINK the two were kind of mutually exclusive.
to the backs of his thighs.
C: PURPLE. PROSE. IS SUFFOCATING ME. *gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack* Also, what's with the random sentence end after the fucking waterfall of bullshit?
I could tell by his expression that he was not at all happy.
C: Because the only other way to tell is the neon fucking sign over his head that says, 'I'M NOT HAPPY.' The FLASHING neon sign.
He walked to me, asking if I was unharmed. I told him I was alright, but I noticed he wasn't. A cut near his left eye worried me.
C: If it was in the eye, would you be less worried?
I said to him, "Oh, Ryo... you're hurt."
"It's just a scratch, M'Lady. I'll be fine."
C: Curses. Foiled again!
"What happened out there? Who screamed?" I asked in panic.
C: Just a pack of small children who caught sight of Ryo. Same as usual.
"A team of Stalfos decided to attack the village... I went and helped stop their attack. The scream was from their leader, Brutus..."
C: BAHAHAHA, I LOVE HOW HE JUST SAYS THIS AND IS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE IRONY OF SOMEONE CALLED BRUTUS SCREAMING LIKE A SIX YEAR OLD GIRL.
he explained to me. "But a stone came through here - I see it wasn't your window, thank goodness."
C: So of course it doesn't matter.
"No, it wasn't mine..."
C: Aaand now I suddenly am having flashbacks of every Jerry Springer show episode I've ever seen.
"I'm sorry to have your sleep disturbed..."
C: Which is funny, because you should be giving her nightmares left and right...
"Ryo...? I'm... scared."
C: So am I. Scared for what this shit is doing to my IQ.
With softened eyes and without word, he gave me a hug. I felt safe with him. He began to stroke my hair lightly,
C: Personal boundary violations don't matter.
saying, "I know, M'Lady... I know... I'm sorry..." I don't know how long he hugged me, but we did eventually let go.
C: EVENTUALLY. Makes it all better, that--- NO IT DOESN'T.
He said, "I hope you can get back to sleep."
C: Hey, who gives a fuck about the damage the Stalfos attacking the town caused as long as the Princess can sleep? Ryo, you are a shitty, shitty hero. I hope you get shoved and die in a vat of cock snot, you fart-lighting dingleberry of an Ahhold wannabe. Ryuu, you should be ashamed of yourself.
"You too," I said with a nod.
C: YOU GET BACK TO SLEEP. FUCK THE TOWNSPEOPLE.
He began to leave and I watched him go.
C: Gasp! He's leaving and I'll never see him again! …. Fuck OFF. He's down the hall at most.
I laid down again, now understanding more of the dismay that the townfolk had to undergo in times of a mysterious curse...
C: 'Cause hey, it's not like Zelda experienced any of this herself when she was Sheik--- WAIT A FUCKING SECOND. Remember when Sheik got knocked across the fucking town by Bongo-Bongo? I DO.
I laid there, awake for what felt like hours, but I eventually fell asleep, not knowing what would happen when I woke up... or if I would wake up...
C: HELLO MELODRAMA!
...yet somehow, with Ryo here, I felt I would without injury...
C: Till he rolls over on you. Then you're SOL.
-----
You can't tell I'm in a fucking bad mood at ALL tonight.
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