LoZ - Shattered Peace: Chapter 1

Le suilon.

Now, unlike with my mock, I will not be copying the whole chapter to this post and going over it in sections. This is mostly because I have already sent the author a somewhat detailed critique.

This is somewhat abridged, I admit - I may have rushed writing it, a little. For that, I apologize.

If you wish to see the whole chapter, then I recommend visiting the provided link, here: Shattered Peace: Chpt 1, by Stormsworder.

Overall, it's a decent fan fiction. I would make some comparative judgment, but since I usually read plenty that is a lot worse than this, that would be insulting.

I cannot speak strongly for accuracy to canon. Due to problems with game systems, I haven't yet beat the game. However, I like to think that I know enough about quality in writing to offer some words.

The story starts in a banquet hall and is full of exposition. This is good and bad. For some fan fictions, explaining what has happened since game events helps reorient the reader. However, if handled badly, the story can seem tedious or pile too much information on the reader.

This chapter isn't terrible for it, but it does have some problems in execution. It chains together a number of character introductions in narrative. This can actually be executed well, with a strong enough narrative, though it might be a bit much for a first chapter.

We do get a bit of character interaction, though, after the introductions run their course. It's a little stiff, at times, but dialogue is sometimes difficult to write. She does not have the problem of using stilted language, for the most part, however, so the dialogue reads like actual conversation.

What would really help is to break up the introductions with stronger character interaction. Perhaps map out the seating arrangement, and go through the characters and offer a part of their conversations to show personality, instead of telling the readers how they act.

A number of characters, from what I know, are not canon - Zelda's gathered a couple of siblings, for example. This is something that does make me wary (I read a lot of bad fan fiction, so I do tend to be overcautious), but I don't get any feeling of Sues or self-inserts from my first impressions. It is worth it to give the characters a chance, and their absences are explained with logical reasons.

There isn't a lot to talk about so far, however - it's an introductory chapter. However, though it has its faults, I think it is worth giving a look.

I don't know if I'll go over the next chapters, yet, but I would still like to thank Stormsworder for letting me use her first chapter as my first critique under the new management.

Namárië.