Good evening one and all! Tonight I, the gloriously verbose Dr. (_____), present (for your viewing plesure!) Ryuu-Atrineas' very own OC, Jack of Lanturns! I, the wondrously forthright Dr. (_____), will be blunt, I do not like this OC, I really don't, mostly because at this point I have high standards for writing of any kind. It's a bookworm thing I assure you. It's going to be a verbal beatdown and I intend to pull no punches with my critique. However, far from simple abuse I, the fair-minded Dr. (_____) shall be the very paragon of constructive criticism! And with the obligatory hot air out of the way its time to get to brass-tacks as Dr. (_____) presents: Jack of Lanturns.
"Very unusual" is an understatement, not to mention beating the readers over the head with the obvious. Furthermore, as my description of Jack shows, alot of this descrition is needlessly long and clunky! We get it, Jack is thin! You could have said as much using words such as gaunt, emaciated, skeletally thin, bony, or a simile like thin as a pin! The English language is full to the brim with words that, used properly, can reduce a long wall of text, into a neat and concise paragraph. We do not need to be hit over the head with the same details over and over, or have whole sentences thrown at us when a single word will serve the same purpose.
It's important to realise that your audience will likely assume everything you bother to write down is important. Things such as "Jack is a very unusual person" confuse things, as the obvious implication is that if he needs to be pointed out as strange, it isn't obvious that he is.
When you describe all the fine details it becomes harder to clearly remember the essentials, and things can become distorted as your audience tries to puzzle out how it all fits together. By using a bare minimum of carefully chosen words you can lodge the defining traits of your character into your audiences brain, leaving the rest to imagination. Not only is this more engaging for your audience, but they'll all arrive at roughly the same desired mental image anyway.
A man capable of levitating an entire castle, summoning legions of obedient monsters, projecting himself as Phantom Ganon, needs to hire a poe to steal treasure?!
The connection to the poe shop isn't a bad thing per se, though it has little purpose beyond saying "Look! My OC is connected to canon characters!." Returning to the bad logic though, why does Ganon decide Jack needs to be able to pillage towns? Ganon commands The Geurodo, an army of Moblins, Stalfos, and who knows what else. To top it off, Ganon could probably level a town if he wanted to without too much troub- oh wait he did! Look at what's left of castle town!
That's the main problem here, otherwise it merely suffers from clunky writing. However this is very bad logic. Ganon conquered a kingdom, commands an army of evil monsters, and the whole nine yards. He likely already has poes bent to his will who are probably just as good at theft as Jack is/was, never mind the fact that until Link came back he pretty much had everything his way with little effort. Ganon doesn't need more treasure, what he wants is the rest of the Triforce! The origin story makes little sense.
Name: Jack of LanturnsI've not much to say to the above except that Lanterns is spelt with an "e" not a "u."
Nick-Name: Jack
Gender: Male
Age: (unknown)
Height: 7'0"
Weight: 107 lbs.
Physical Description (body): Jack is a very unusual person. His body is unnaturally thin, as his stomach curves inward at an abnormally skinny position. His ribs are noticeable, as his black skin is tight upon them, giving the appearance that he's on the brink of death by starvation. His shoulders, though they stick out from his body very well, are not really "broad". His medium-length arms are also too skinny to be healthy. His hands only have two fingers and a thumb on each hand. The fingers do bend like a normal person's would but they're shaped like dagger blades. His legs are long, thin, and normally bent at the knee, even when standing. His feet are long with two dagger-like toes in front, and one at the heel. His head is like a huge pumpkin, but eyeholes are cut out of it, allowing his yellow eyes to glow through. His mouth is the base of the pumpkin itself, having a large jaw and teeth that are rowed in pairs like a shark's mouth.Okay, first off. The "very unusual person" bit is ludicrously unnecessary. Jack is a seven foot tall emaciated, skeletally thin poe, with pitch black skin, bony, dagger-like hands, and a jack o' lantern for a head.
"Very unusual" is an understatement, not to mention beating the readers over the head with the obvious. Furthermore, as my description of Jack shows, alot of this descrition is needlessly long and clunky! We get it, Jack is thin! You could have said as much using words such as gaunt, emaciated, skeletally thin, bony, or a simile like thin as a pin! The English language is full to the brim with words that, used properly, can reduce a long wall of text, into a neat and concise paragraph. We do not need to be hit over the head with the same details over and over, or have whole sentences thrown at us when a single word will serve the same purpose.
Physical Description (Apparel): A torn black cape encircles his neck, and worn black pants cover his legs. Apparently that's it.Even here we find unnecessary wording! "Worn black pants cover his legs," as opposed to what pray tell? His head?! Unless he's wearing pants in a way that they aren't normally worn, it is completely redundant to say his pants cover his legs. they're pants, that's what they do. "Apparently that's it" is even worse. The whole thing is what people see when they look at him, you do not need to say that's it. Does he have invisible clothes or something? No? Then you need not use the word apparently.
Looks most Like: Jack (Gaia Online)My fellow contributors hate this, so I think enough has been said about the looks most like bit for now. Instead I'll explain why a I've made such a big deal out of the character descriptions.
It's important to realise that your audience will likely assume everything you bother to write down is important. Things such as "Jack is a very unusual person" confuse things, as the obvious implication is that if he needs to be pointed out as strange, it isn't obvious that he is.
When you describe all the fine details it becomes harder to clearly remember the essentials, and things can become distorted as your audience tries to puzzle out how it all fits together. By using a bare minimum of carefully chosen words you can lodge the defining traits of your character into your audiences brain, leaving the rest to imagination. Not only is this more engaging for your audience, but they'll all arrive at roughly the same desired mental image anyway.
Personality: Jack is known to be truthful and blunt, even if it makes him sound rude. He doesn't care much for being a "Nice" guy, but he doesn't plan on making enemies. He's conservative about time, so he just wants to get done what needs to be done. He doesn't like to be rushed or slowed down, as he has a set schedule in his mind, even if it's only made up within minutes. He has a strong sense of possession and a small sense of sharing. He does share with those he likes, however.I've said plenty about descriptions so far so let us give more practical examples. Here is a crude rewrite of Jack's personality description.
Personality(rewrite): Blunt and honest, Jack makes little effort towards being sensitive or polite, though he usually doesn't mean to offend. While exceedingly practical with his time, Jack resents working at anything but his own pace. Jack is very stingy with his possessions, though he will share with those he likes.There, roughly half the length of the original while saying pretty much the same thing. Further personality details shall inevitably be provided through role play. Not that my rewrite should replace the original, I merely point out that with a little effort Ryuu can be vastly more efficient with his writing without sacrificing detail, perhaps making what he's trying to say even clearer at the same time.
Power(s): Can stretch, twist, and deform his already deformed body to be his own weapon - stretch his arms and sharpen his fingers for a long-range slash or join his legs together and sink his toes into the floor to be as sturdy on the ground as a tree.I've nothing to say about the powers, they're fairly straightforward, and I've made a dead horse of my previous points so let us move on and not beat it further.
Upside to Power(s): He's pretty unpredictable as to how to attack or defend.
Downside to Power(s): Being stretched out can put him in a venerable position.
Strengths: Very strong against magic attacks and arrows seem to only stick to him...Again, fairly straightforward, though it could be a bit clearer whether or not arrows work on him.
Weaknesses: Fire! Normal fire can burn him really quickly and is more effective than a sword.
History: Jack was originally a poe who had been lurking in the Kakariko Graveyard. Before, his name was Rack. He always had a fascination for shiny things like rupees and Deku Seeds, but he also had a fascination for stealing these things from trespassers in the Graveyard. Apparently, such skill in thievery had found favor among the ranks of Ganondorf. Because he was able to steal efficiently, he was hired by the King of Evil to do some secret funding projects...Ah boy. This is bad, mostly because of one massive breakdown of logic (not to mention further abuse of the word apparently). Why does Ganon, who I'm assuming has gotten ahold of the Triforce of power at this point, need to hire a poe?
Rack had a tiff with a ghastly thin man with a single glowing eye. He stole the man's wallet containing a huge rupee. With that taken, the man was left with no money at all. In contempt, he set up a poe shop, hoping that one day, he'd have the soul of the poe who robbed him brought to him begging for mercy...
One fateful day, Ganondorf gave Rack an alarming gift. Ganondorf felt that Rack could be a better robber if he could slay whole towns from other lands and pillage their wreckages. A superior body and special abilities was the dark gift - but even as powerful as he was, Rack was horrified of his appearance. His pumpkin-like head and scrawny, anorexic phantom body scared him at first, and thought Ganondorf was pulling fun of him in that respect... especially with the new name granted to him - Jack of Lanturns. Jack turned on Ganon as soon as he found he had the power to pose a threat to him. Though Jack wasn't expecting much else from a king of darkness, he didn't like what Ganondorf had done. Unable to think of facing even the other poes, Jack fled from Hyrule. Unsure where he was going or what he'd do away, he just knew he would not be wanted.
Jack has pretty much accepted the fact he's horrifying and companion-less. He's taken up piracy and being a mercenary and such to occupy his time. He'll do almost any service - with a price.
A man capable of levitating an entire castle, summoning legions of obedient monsters, projecting himself as Phantom Ganon, needs to hire a poe to steal treasure?!
The connection to the poe shop isn't a bad thing per se, though it has little purpose beyond saying "Look! My OC is connected to canon characters!." Returning to the bad logic though, why does Ganon decide Jack needs to be able to pillage towns? Ganon commands The Geurodo, an army of Moblins, Stalfos, and who knows what else. To top it off, Ganon could probably level a town if he wanted to without too much troub- oh wait he did! Look at what's left of castle town!
That's the main problem here, otherwise it merely suffers from clunky writing. However this is very bad logic. Ganon conquered a kingdom, commands an army of evil monsters, and the whole nine yards. He likely already has poes bent to his will who are probably just as good at theft as Jack is/was, never mind the fact that until Link came back he pretty much had everything his way with little effort. Ganon doesn't need more treasure, what he wants is the rest of the Triforce! The origin story makes little sense.
Extra: During the RPGs that he plays a role in, there's something to keep in mind; After Jack makes an attack dealing with stretching his body, assume he has restored himself to normal size by the end of that post unless said otherwise.And thats all from me folk, until next time this is Dr. (_____) saying hello and good-bye!
RPG Style: Zelda RPG
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