With Apologies To Paula Dean: Ebony's Failmas Spectacular

Hey, it's Squids again.

I know that says this is Enoby's post. That's because it is. Ebny asked me to let you all know that her Blogger account seems to have been involved in an accident.

Seems there was a little mishap with a Defense Against The Dark Arts spell. Apparently the spell couldn't tell the difference between Ryuu's godawful artwork and all the Draco porn, and nuked all of it just to be sure. Whoops.

Therefore, I'm uploading this on her behalf.  She sends her deepest regrets over this, and she requests that anyone who finds the pieces of her lost, uh... "collection" let her know ASAP.  She also wants me to tell you that she'll be back to uploading articles shortly. She just needs to get her, uhh... "priorities" in order.

With apologies to Paula Dean

Hello my little Gothlings. It’s everyone’s favorite Slytherin queen of the darkness, the only pale-as-fuck Princess who can rock a blood red corset with a red petticoat and a red mini-top hat on the side with bats coming out of it and deep black eyeshadow and red lipstick and black fishnets and red boots without looking like a poser. Why so much red you ask? BECAUSE IT’S CHRISTMAS, STUPID, DUH! Even a Stanist like me loves Christmas! Something about the soft snow makes me want to walk around the grounds of the castle and show Draco my rosey red cheeks—and I’m not talking about the ones on my face, honey.

Sorry for my absence, I was busy flying on my broom to the US to file a restraining order against a certain hunk of rotten meat marinaded in bigotry on the grounds that he made a threat against my pretty, dark, lonely, mysterious and luscious life, albeit in the form of a silly picture of a bunch of trolls being beaten up by an ogre (I don’t know either, best not to ask.) I may have also taped a picture of Draco’s scrumptious face onto my new blow-up doll. And I may have raped it a few times in Snape’s office when he was not looking. I do love me some mmm mmm, Draco sausage, all big fat and full to bursting with juices.

…. Speaking of food, have this new Article I’ve been cooking up in the festive spirit of the season! Since I’ve been barred from the castles cooking facilities (Seems like they figured out where their spare unripe bananas have been going…) it’s the only distressfully juicy gift I could make.

Takin’ a break from the Ryo in Denial series because my friend Cala the giant squid pointed out a picture that I somehow missed (maybe it’s because I try to avoid Ryo’s art gallery… Hmmm…) that really disturbs me. What about it disturbs me? EVERYTHING. The title, the picture, the comments on the picture…. EV-ER-Y-THING. Ladies, Gentlemen, Gothlings of all ages, I bring to you: Ocarina of Thyme.

HUR HUR HUR GET IT HUR HUR HUR HUR ERMAHGERD SER FERRNY!!!!

As the title of this Deviation is a TERRIBLE, UNFUNNY PUN (And since it’s Christmas which is possibly the campiest holiday of all time) I’m going to be lacing this whole article with shitty jokes. Why? So I can cope with having to write it. In fact, here’s one now: Ryuu goes to invade Paula Dean’s kitchen during her big Christmas special and tell her a woman have no business being in front of cameras that should, instead, be filming the king/demigod of Hyrule so women all over the globe can swoon (or kill themselves) over images of him instead. But on the way in (Just as Miss Dean was preparing her special: Butterball turkey stuffed with butter, buttered up and fried in butter served with butter gravy, butterberry sauce and mashed butters,) he gets stuck in the doorway because he’s the size of three and a half men and the door was only built for one. So what does Paula Dean do?

What she always does: Add a stick of butter.

*click* Oh, you hear that? That’s my little click counter: It clicks whenever I make a bad joke. Let’s see if I can win the bad joke war of this image.

As you may remember from my Ryo in Denial articles I talked about gender roles and how Ryo conforms to them strictly. Men do men shit, women do women shit. End of story. “But Edody Dark’Nuss Dumensia Racen Dayy” you ask, “Isn’t the kitchen a woman’s place?” Well, Mr. or Mrs. Sexist pig, in a domestic sphere, yes. Yes it is. In chauvinist world, at least. But if you’re going to be that much of a dick, remember: Women are NOT supposed to work, just take care of the children, give their husbands sex when they want it, keep the house spotless, their faces spotless, ect ect ect.

So that leaves two kitchens empty: Restaurant kitchens and Cooking show kitchens. Guess what? These should be, according to chauvinists, occupied by men. Because men are better chefs than women and are the only ones who can handle the stress of a kitchen. Again, talking from the skewed vision of sexist pigs: Everyone fucking knows women can be professional chefs in this day and age. But this is Ryo we’re talking about: He conforms to the idea of women not being able to do anything outside the home. In fact, he insists that that’s how a woman should be treated. So of COURSE he wasn’t going to put Zelda in her own cooking show. That’d be too feminist for Ryuu. And not feminist enough for the rest of us.

So instead, he puts his giant, perfect, demi-god who can do everything, including Zelda--

*click*

--in a kitchen show. He’s better than Zelda at everything: Killing things, being an overall dick, losing his temper, slaughter, being a manwhore and he makes a mean ass quiche too. In short, why shouldn’t the butcher also be the baker and the candlestick maker?

*click*

So getting Ryo’s sexist pig (well the blatant bit at least) out of the way let’s first analyze the image. Well let’s state the obvious: it’s terrible. His failed sexy-face is derped, his anatomy is as fucked up as ever, he can’t draw knives or a stand mixer properly to save his life and the lines in his cabinets are about as straight as he is.

*click*

Ryuu is…. Not dressed to be in a kitchen. He isn’t tying his hair back, so it’s going to get into everything he’s cooking. Since he has a shitload of hair he should not only be tying it back but also wearing some sort of hairnet, hat or headscarf to keep that shit out of his face and his food. Nothing says “Bad chef” more than finding an OH SO DELICIOUS METER LONG HAIR IN YOUR MEAL.

If anything hot splashes on the poor fucker he has no protection on his arms or chest. Bitch is gonna get BURNT. And NO. NO DON’T THROW ME ANY OF THAT “BUT HE’S A FIRE DIETY” CRAP. BITCH. IS. GONNA. GET. BURNT. More burnt than he’s gonna be once I finish this article!!

*click*

Although I must say that apron does give him a feminine edge.

His manboobs have never looked so boob-ey.

*click*

Let’s look at the kitchen. It seems to have everything a man who only knows how to half cook would need: Chefs knives, but no forks or spoons or other miscellaneous equipment like measuring cups, whisks, ladles, rolling pins or anything like that. He has a stand mixer, but no blender, food processor, toaster, toaster oven, tea kettles or coffee makers. He has cabinets but no drawers. He has an oven but no stovetops or sinks. If you ask me, this is a pretty half-assed kitchen.

*click*

Also? Just a quick, little meaningless question that’s probably pointless to ask but I feel like being annoying and asking mundane questions…

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FOOD?!

I mean, that’s the point of a kitchen, right? To cook food? So where is the food, Ryuu?! What are you cooking with your super ultra god powers?! He’s not DOING anything!!! It’s like he just got in a kitchen and wore an apron to LOOK like he’s a god of cooking when in reality he he’s more like this:

*click*

He’s like the models hired by game companies to promote their games despite having no knowledge of the product!

Also, the clock on the oven. Cala pointed it out to me that it says it’s 01:08, which means by a 24 hour clock it’s 1:08. In the morning. She said that’s what the time means because it wouldn’t have a 0 in front of the time if it wasn’t a 24 hour clock WHICH IS TRUE. Now, I could come to Ryo’s aid by mentioning my aunt’s extremely old microwave that uses flip-cards with numbers on them, and, hence, has the zero in the front. But why would I do that? And either way, it’s a moot point. Why? Simple. Ryuu is going to have a lot more to worry about than the time when he figures out that he can’t cook without turning the oven on first. I wonder if he even knows how to turn on an oven? And no, getting mad and smashing it doesn’t count as turning it on. No, neither does trying to fuck it.

*click.*

On a final note? His lines are about as straight as he is.

*click*

Anyways I think I analyzed his drawing fairly accurately. A god awful figure standing in a half-assed kitchen not doing anything. Oh, and the shitty logo with the bad pun and the fork that’s about as accurately depicted as Ryo’s importance to society.

*click*

Now let’s move on to the Artist Description, and let me tell you, it’s TERRIBLE. In A MILLION WAYS. It’s disgusting. I honestly feel gross reading it. I especially feel bad for Zelda as he completely degrades her into the butt of a sex joke. (No pun intended)

…. Ah, what the hell. *click*

Let’s dive right in.

“This is actually a re-make of an old old drawing of mine, Ryo hosting a cooking show kinda like Good Eats, but Hyrule-based... modern Hyrule.”

So….. In Ryuu and Zelda’s lifetime, they go from using stone ovens and sundials to…. Completely modern digital equipment? Why? Couldn’t you just give him medieval materials to work with? Or were there no pictures of medieval kitchens for you to rip off? (more on that later.) Also, Good Eats? I thought you didn’t like science, Ryo! Or is science okay so long as it doesn’t conflict with what daddy tells you is okay? And also? Your godmod self-insert will NEVER be as intelligent, funny or kind as Alton Brown is.

….. Well, at least, was before he lost a lot of weight and turned into a grade-A douchebag. (This made me super duper sad.)

Moving on.

“Always managing to get something beefy in the show, even if he's not cooking meat.”

Jesus fucking Christ almighty, save my soul from this asshat. Seriously, as if the pun wasn’t bad enough he had to italicise it? God damn. And “beefy?” More like “Morbidly Obese Cloud-like.” Your self insert is NOT attractive in any shape or form. Here, Ryo! Have a slew of pictures of other professional chefs that are a FUCKLOAD more attractive than Ryuu is (and I’m pretty sure can cook better too.)

(*click*)

I’m sure there are a bajillion more, but I’m not familiar with the cooking industry and I’m not going to push my luck by accidentally posting up a picture of a guy who’s not a professional or a chef by accident. No, I don’t wanna sink to your level.

*click*

Moving on:

“The show has various recipes, including meats, vegetables, breads, eggs and even specific things like spices”

…. Okay, I’m no chef or anything and I know jack shit about cooking but um…… There’s no such thing as a recipe for meat. Meat is something you lob off an animal, not something you make. Same with vegetables. And eggs. And spices. You can’t make these things, Ryuu. They’re ingredients. Which means you use them in recipes, but there’s no such thing as a recipe for them. The only thing you’ve mentioned that could possibly have a recipe is bread, and had you mentioned spice blends rather than just throw the word “spices” that would have been acceptable too.

Now HERE’S the big part.

“But no matter the show subject, I know his wife always wants something heavy meat flavor, firm and smooth texture and in generous portions. And I'm not talking sirloin. -__^”

This is… disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. He’s degraded Zelda, his character’s WIFE, into his personal, characterless blow-up sex doll angel with no free will who’s always hungry for his “meat.” I’m also guessing the erm… “texture” of said meat has been GROSSLY exaggerated.

*click*

In all seriousness ladies, if you’re reading this, this is disgusting. You should never ever ever ever ever let him, or anyone, publicly degrade you like this. You’re BETTER than this.

Anyways, let’s pick this apart, disgusting piece by piece.

“Wants something heavy meat flavor” is not a grammatically correct Ryo. See? I did what you did. I left out a key word in the sentence so it didn’t make sense anymore.

*click*

“firm and smooth texture” Meat is not supposed to be smooth. If you cook meat and it ends up being smooth, you’re doing it wrong. Maybe you should avoid using a blender this time?

*click*

And “firm”? Really? Really, Ryo? You describe meat as firm? IT’S THE FLOPPIEST SHIT IN THE WORLD UNTIL IT’S COOKED, AND DEPENDING ON HOW IT’S COOKED IT’S STILL FLOPPY. A vegetable is firm. A fruit is firm. Meat? NOT FIRM AT ALL. Attempting to use proper cooking adjectives to make a dirty joke just bit you in the ass, didn’t it? God, you could have made a better food joke if you made a joke about Ryuu’s firm melons.

*click*

“in generous portions. And I'm not talking sirloin.”…. If I’m thinking about the same thing you’re talking about, there’s no such thing as a “generous portion.” In fact, giving Lady Zelda her own horse so she can ride miles and miles away from you just to never have to deal with that… thing—

*click*

--- would be more generous than forcing her to stick that…. Anywhere. And Ryo, do you know what sirloin is? Because knowing you, you probably think it’s a type of meat.

Well, it’s not.

It’s a specific cut from a cow, and I assure you it’s the exact opposite of what you’ve described: Tender, soft and usually very small as it’s pricy as fuck.

This ruins your joke: in order for your joke to work you have to convince your readers that you’re talking about something, then use the sudden revelation that you’re NOT talking about what they think you are as the punchline. If you’re obviously not talking about the thing that you later say you’re not talking about, then there’s no punchline. Just an obvious statement. Here’s an example:

“I always love something round, juicy and plump. AND I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT BANANAS!!!!” –Ryo, displaying his stubbornness in the magical land of the closet.

*click*

“-__^” You’re not fucking cute. You’re a disgusting pig. Moving on.

“I hope you all like the idea and the picture to show it with. ^^ Like the apron?”

….. Gee, Ryo, I’d LOVE to tell you what I think of Ryuu’s fugly, plain and uninteresting apron, but unfortunately I can’t see it underneath all of his boobs and tumors.

*click*

Seriously. It’s an apron. It doesn’t even have a silly saying on it and you still insist on the need to ask about it? You’re worse than those annoying preteen chicks who go to fucking walmart, pick out the most plain-ass T-shirt ever sewn and then insist on asking their friends for bullshit complements. You know what I’d love to tell these people if I ever had the misfortune of accompanying them to the ladies clothing section?

“IT’S A T-SHIRT.”

*click*

That’s it for the artist comments! Thank fuck. Now it’s time for my Faaaaaaavorite part! (Don’t misunderstand, I don’t enjoy having to do any of this. Think of it as being like… Going through the painful 24 days before Christmas and opening a gift that contains that one fugly sweater everyone gets every year.)

Time to go see the peanut gallery!!! =D

*click*

Alright, now’s the time for my final thoughts.

*ahem*

“Ocarina of Thyme” is a sub-par concept that was mediocrely scraped together that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It’s too confusing with many contradictory flavors. The drawing itself is underdone and is borderline inedible due to its poor execution and lack of balance and creativity. The artist’s comments need about a cup and a half of proper grammar, a tablespoon of understanding of the English language, a pound of good taste and just a pinch of humor. Overall, it has been cooked using too much wishful thinking and not enough talent and therefor, a little hard to stomach.

*click click click click click*

So that’s… 32 bad jokes I’ve told in the span of one article. (if I haven’t miscounted, which is likely.) Even if I’m short or over 1 or 2, that’s still a shitload of bad jokes compared to Ryo’s pathetic… 3? And they were all better too.

Stick that in your Christmas socks and wear them.

TL;DR – Ryuu can’t cook, Ebony is putting cylindrical food items where they don’t belong and Draco may want to invest in a chastity belt. Merry Christmas guys!