Hi there, people. While I've said a load about Ryuu's characters and how much work they really need, I'd like to offer some constructive criticism to Lady-Zelda.
While I have corresponded with her, I really don't feel comfortable firing off an unsolicited email or six. Instead, I'm going to be doing a series of (probably rather long) articles covering some of her characters. These are gonna be strictly constructive criticism and nothing more. As in, "I'm going to be on my best behavior here." If you want crit mixed with me being a Giant. Gaping. Asshole, you're going to either need to read some of my older posts or wait a while.
Why am I doing this? Because I think a lot of her characters could be good. They don't (on the whole) seem to be ripped like Ryuu's and I'd really like to see them come into their own a bit more. At the moment it seems like they're just there to supplement Ryuu's characters (especially the female characters) and holy crap, there's so much wasted potential. It makes me a sad squiddy.
So I'm gonna start with a two part article on Cecil and Felix, focusing on what I can find of their backstories.
The Brothers in Question
Cecil is Serenity's love interest from the LZ and/or Ryuu-created land of Archon, and is a blacksmith. Felix is Cecil's younger half-brother. This post is gonna focus on Cecil. Felix gets to go next because if I didn't break this up, this would go from being 'a pretty long post' to 'an irrationally massive post'.
A basic summary of Cecil's background in LZ's words:
A Hylian male named Cecil winds up being raised in a neighbouring kingdom - Archon - due to complications at a very young age. He lived as normally as possible under the care of his adopted Grandmother "Mother Goose", her assistant "Sister Goose" and eventual father figure, Hammer the Blacksmith. (Which is how he comes to be a Blacksmith himself. ^^)
I already mentioned to LZ via email that Sister Goose, Mother Goose and Hammer should be renamed. I still stand by that. 'Hammer' is a pretty cliché name for a blacksmith, really, and Mother/Sister Goose are, put bluntly, kinda silly.
There's lots of resources out there for names, like Behind The Name or BabyNames.com. I generally use Behind The Name, which even gives you the ability to search names by meaning if you want to find something based off a specific aspect of the character. Other than that, I've got no issues here.
But years later he becomes prime suspect for a crime he didn't commit; the murder of Sister Goose and assault of Mother Goose. Hammer's intervention spares him from being arrested, but this forces him to become a fugitive and live under the shelter of a tranquil forest on the outskirts of Archon, said to be inhabited by Wood Sprites.
Here's where my more serious issues start. Not every character needs a tragic backstory, and off the top of my head, Serenity is the only one of LZ's characters who doesn't have one.
I mean, okay. Life's not all sunshine and rainbows. There's nothing wrong with a couple characters with a bit of a crappy background overcoming their problems or whatever.
But it's pretty easy to overdo it (I'm definitely guilty of having done this at times in my life). Think about people you actually know. Are their backgrounds all crap or all perfectly happy? Nah, I bet not. Everyone on the planet will have bright moments and some awful ones in their lives, really. Your characters are no different!
Also, it's stated that Mother Goose was assaulted. As in, not killed. Even if she was left incapacitated for a while, she's a witness and in the bit of information I can gather from Ryuu and LZ's postings, she isn't in a vegetative state or something else that would permanently prevent her from saying it's not him. So why would he be suspected, really?
As such, it probably would have made more sense to let them arrest him, figure this out, realize he didn't do it then let him go. Instead Hammer commits what may very well be an actual crime in preventing Cecil's arrest, then Cecil makes a break for it and makes himself look muy sospechosa. If you didn't do it and you have a witness who says you didn't or will be able to say you didn't at some point, why would you run?
Basically, I just can't buy into this. I'm willing and able to suspend disbelief but there's some holes here that really prevent that from happening. As a reader, I'd find it a lot more believable if she rewrote him as a guy with a normal background who got separated from his brother somehow.
After a bit of research, I found some background info on Serenity and Cecil's relationship in one of Ryuu's artist comments:
A bit from a scene my love and I were working through for the fun of it. But getting kidnapped by Marco's cousin Apollo, Renny was taken from Hyrule as well as Acro, but the two were separated.
Put as simply as I can, the 'kidnapped princess' thing is seriously overdone at this point. I know it says this was in progress, but please please please don't use it in any form of final draft. I'm on my tentacles begging here. I know LZ's capable of more than that and I would really hate to see her go this route.
The assassin Alistair
I'm gonna stop right here for a second. This name and occupation combined with LZ's journal IMMEDIATELY brought to mind Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad from the Assassin's Creed series (unrelated note: LZ has good taste in games. AC's a fun series). The guy needs a new name ASAP. Because whether the similarity was intentional or not, it looks like a rip. And you don't want that.
wanted to have Acro made into a coat,
And we're gonna stop here again. My first thought was literally "whoa, Cruella de Ville lives in Hyrule now?". This is another unnecessary plot element. I mean, why would an assassin want to make a coat out of a Wolfos, especially one with hard to miss gold runes all over him like Acro? That's hardly subtle,and generally, assassins don't want to stand out in a crowd.
Between the name, vague 101 Dalmatians-esque motive and confusing aspect of an assassin wanting a coat with glowing yellow runes, I'd seriously just scrap this guy entirely. If he does play an important role in the plot, as I admittedly can't find enough information on him to figure this out, then he needs a renaming and a new motive.
which was what he mentioned before getting the pair in their own coaches on the trader's wagon chain. Renny's wagon was left behind in the forest while the rest drove off with Acro
Why would the princess be left behind while they went off to who knows where with what basically amounts to her pet dog? A girl, even if it isn't known she's the princess, could be ransomed. A dog is, as much as I hate to say it as a dog lover, not really going to be valued by anyone but his family.
Serenity is clearly from a rich family, and logically they'd keep the rich girl nearby for ransom purposes. Isn't Acro supposed to be extremely intelligent? So why wouldn't he act like an ordinary dog in order to stay near her?
Renny was freed by a forest Sprite by the name of Amelia, but all she wanted was shiny treasure to take. Amelia wound up leading Renny to Archon, the closest kingdom.
I know this isn't written by LZ, but I have to ask... How long of a walk are we talking here? Serenity doesn't fight and only uses magic, as I understand it, so for her to just up and wander for six or seven miles is pretty unbelievable.
However, the Princess was still in hysterics as she desperately tries to find Acro.
Well, I guess it's not a super-huge distance. I say that as I don't think you can be hysterical for ten miles or something without needing a nap or two in there somewhere.
But if I'm wrong, consider how much energy crying uncontrollably takes out of you. And try to imagine taking a long walk through unfamiliar territory while crying your head off. That's really not possible without frequent breaks, especially if you have minimal experience with exploring unfamiliar territory. If we're talking miles, plural, this should probably be rewritten.
Coming across Hammer the blacksmith, he gets her to Mother Goose's house to rest - after assuring her that Acro had been rescued and is here.
So Mother Goose is in fact alive and well, Hammer hasn't been charged with anything and somehow the pooch just shows up here, basically?
Acro just magically appearing is a giant stroke of luck, as if the sprite bailing Serenity out wasn't enough of one already. The magically appearing Wolfos and especially the deus ex machina sprite have made it even harder for me to suspend disbelief here.
My advice is to scrap the stuff with the sprite completely. Have Serenity bail herself out for a change!
And don't have Acro and Serenity get separated. If he's as intelligent as he's made out to be, there's no real reason why that would happen. Faking being a more or less run of the mill dog shouldn't be hard for him, right?
Once she bails herself and him out, maybe he could hunt for her or something while they wander off to Archon together, as her survival skills are probably going to be lacking. She's a princess who lives in a castle with cooks and the like, so hunting animals, cleaning them and cooking them to a degree where you won't get food poisoning are likely not gonna be strong skills of hers. At the very least he might be able to prevent her from getting botulism or something.
That's it for part one. Hopefully it was somewhat helpful, and I'll be back for part the second soon enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment