Squid Reviews: CotT Chapter 1 (Part 1)

Back again with more Child of the Triforce review! It's gonna be a lot harder to stay objective as this goes on but I'm really going to try. Please feel free to shout at me if I don't succeed, by the way, as I actually like to know if I've missed the mark entirely.

Reviewing the first half of chapter one today. This is a huge chapter with a lot of things in dire need of editing, so I'm going to break it into multiple posts for the sake of brevity. This thing was getting ridiculously long and no one wants to read a four thousand word text wall in one sitting, right?

In any case, you can read the original chapter here.

In regards to my MST, I had to break THAT into two parts too. For the interested, part one's here, and part two's here.

Brief chapter summary if you don't want to read the entire first chapter: Zelda wakes up, gets dressed, has a premonition of something bad happening, gets brushed off by everyone, then an army of undead attacks along with our villain, who is described in complete detail.

My first issue is with the title of the chapter, “Darkness Gains a Foothold”. That's so cheesy that the very first time I read this, I thought I was going to be reading a parody or a piece of crackfic. I was rather surprised (and if I'm honest, I was kinda disappointed) when I realized Ryuu was completely serious. Change the title. Just “chapter one” works if you can't think of anything less cartoon villain-esque.

And then the “Narrator” thing makes a reappearance. That's still not needed, because the key to a good story is showing, not telling. I'm going to explain this concept in a separate article, because this thing would be positively massive otherwise.

On with the review. The story opens with what I honestly think has to be one of the most cliched lines in existence. I don't know how many things have started with “I remember it like it was yesterday” or some variant thereof, but it's far too many for my taste. I almost stopped reading right here, to be blunt.

Zelda wakes up in a red and purple room. I can't help thinking it looks like this, by the way:

That's not exactly a pleasant mental image to have. So of course I'm going to share it with you.

And I think this situation is why you should check Google images for some example rooms in a similar color scheme before you decide what to do. Because (and your mileage may definitely vary here too) from where I sit that isn't classy or noble so much as hooker-tastic.

Anyway, moving on. After getting out of bed, she starts getting dressed:

“I wished not to appear lazy, so I began to dress myself immediately. My dress was quite complex and consumed time in adorning myself with it. While I usually have others to help me dress, I wished to do it myself this time... “

So there's no one there, but she doesn't want to appear lazy? I really have no idea how this works, because if no one's there, no one can call you lazy. This is a pretty nonsensical scenario that flies in the face of all common sense and logic and, again, does not encourage me to read on.

Even apart from that the story is pretty heavily flawed. Like the prologue, the pace is extremely stilted and bogged down even further with details that manage to add nothing new to the story. Unlike the prologue, however, we get treated to our first description of a character's outfit.

The first time a character appears, Ryuu throws a million details at the reader at once. It's the literary equivalent of getting run over by a pack of Segways: slow and easily avoidable, but it may leave you with concussion-like symptoms if it hits you.

See, normally you'd drop a few details here, a few there. And you'd step back, let the reader remember what they've read and let them imagine what's been described at their leisure.

Instead of doing this, Ryuu (as mentions) pretty much drops an anvil made of details on you. While I'm trying to read, my mind wanders all over the place, and even if it doesn't I'm hard-pressed to remember anything I just read (i.e., the concussion-like symptoms I mentioned). It's basically in one ear and out the other, and I don't believe I'm the only one who has this problem.

It's just too much. No one ever needs to describe anything in this amount of detail.

So Ryuu writes down every single minor detail of Zelda's dress, which is apparently really time consuming to wear and requires the assistance of several maids... but it ends up being a tank top and a skirt under a vest. Which is not at all difficult for one person to put on. It also, well...

Ryuu took this, turned it pink and white, flipped the armwarmer-glove-things upside down, and described it in far too much detail. As you can even more clearly see here. This is a really bad decision on several levels.

On the surface, the worst issue is that he's taken a pre-existing canon design and used it in his story with no acknowledgment of this. Other than the fact that it isn't stated anywhere that he did not think of it himself (which means there's undertones of art theft), this is actually NOT something I would have a huge problem with. In another story with another author and the original color scheme, I may have called it an homage to Twilight Princess and let it slide entirely.

No, the issue for me is that he took this outfit and turned it pink and white:

“I slipped on first my lower skirt, white and light with just a touch of pink in its hue. It flowed down to the floor, where it was trimmed with rich stained wood brown, embroidered with swirls and leaves. Over these were ornate patterns to liven sight of the white. I covered my torso with a simple, yet elegant form-fitting pink top, held up with very thin straps at my shoulders and having a neck-line a little low, especially compared to my previous dress. Lighter pink writing lined the outside of the bottom, which was a split just under my chest and opened up to hug my hips and cover my bottom. At the base of my ribs, a little strap held the split together and let the two parts open afterward.
[...]
I slipped on long white layered gloves, the bottom layer being of pure white, covering my hands completely. The top layer was designed to reveal my hand, covering only a triangle space on the back of them. The wrists were adorned with embroidery. On my feet, I wore small, white slippers.”

I can't be polite about this, I'm afraid, because this REEKS of sexism. I don't know if he did this because it's his girlfriend's favorite color or what, but this is a pretty bad judgement call.While her Ocarina of Time adult outfit may be pink (I can honestly not tell because of the lighting in most art I've seen, it may also be white), it's a very adult shade of pastel pink with a darker vest. Based on Lady-Zelda's coloring it looks almost primary pink (though that may also be lighting issues as we're dealing with a several year old picture).

That's not exactly a dress you would expect a 21 year old to be given for reaching adulthood. It's especially not what you'd expect for a 21 year old who's never felt the need to be extremely feminine (and there is nothing wrong with that) beyond a potentially pink dress. The color scheme seems almost childish for a woman who's an adult and a queen.  

If you're looking for a strong princess who does feel the need to be extremely feminine (because there's nothing wrong with that either) and wear bright colors, I'd like to direct your attention to Princess Peach. This is not Princess Peach, however, so making her clothing colors super-"feminine" when one already has a history of sexism is a very questionable judgement call.

Moving on because if I don't, I'm not going to be able to stay civil anymore. After Zelda gets dressed she sits down at her vanity to get ready:

“I sat down in front of my wooden vanity desk, boasting a large mirror and several grooming items. It had very little in the way of cosmetic makeup, for many in the castle which include my dressers, believe I did not need such products.”

For what it's worth, not all women wear makeup or use a load of hair products (obviously, but whatever). So Ryuu's got that correct. However, most women who don't wear makeup or hair products either do not have a vanity or do not have a vanity with a bunch of things on it. Why? Well, because most of what you'd have on/in a vanity would probably be cosmetics and hair products. Set up like this, it kind of looks like Ryuu doesn't know how women get ready in the morning.

Zelda doesn't apply makeup but does sit at her vanity and thinks:

“Marriage... Was I to marry someone I did not know? Was my kingdom to be in the hands of a king foreign to the land? Would Hyrule even have its name afterward?”

This is what marriage contracts historically were worked out for. For example, Mary I of England married Phillip I of Spain in the 1550s, but due to the marriage negotiations, the only power he had was what his wife and his council allowed him (and it was not a lot). But my point is that clearly, this did not result in England being called, I don't know, Spanish-Anglo-land or something.

Also, as the only living child of the King of Hyrule, Princess Zelda would probably be brought up to expect an arranged marriage. For her to be suddenly sitting here fussing over it is kinda silly, especially as she's now queen regnant, and would definitely have a say in whoever her theoretical prospective husband would be. If she even decided to get married, because some queens regnant have decided not to marry in order to avoid sharing their power.

As Zelda's far from a moron, these options (should I marry immediately?, should I rule alone and marry later?, should I even get married at all and if so where should my husband come from?, etc.) have, in all probability, already occurred to her. And if the options have occurred to the decisive and intelligent HOLDER OF THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM, then she's either got a rough plan of action figured out or several ideas to work off of.

And even if she didn't have the Triforce of Wisdom, we're five years past the end of Ocarina. Which is to say she's most probably in her early 20s canonically, and is confirmed to be 21 in this fanfic. She would have probably figured this out on her own even if she was an ordinary girl of average intelligence.

I mean, I'm 22 and I can see these things clear as day. Obviously I'm not holding the Triforce of Wisdom, nor was I trained to think of these things from birth. If I can see this, I'm pretty sure nearly anyone can.

Which leads to a real serious issue I'm having with this chapter: Ryuu seems to be approaching aspects of a medieval setting with a modern mindset.

See, in medieval and Renaissance times, people lived much, much shorter than they do now. As such, they legally became adults much earlier and were married off much earlier. Child betrothals and marriages (though non-consummated) were also very common. It was common for fourteen year olds to be married and bearing children. But Ryuu states:

“You see, this dress I was wearing was given to me on my twenty-first birthday, a present that was celebrating my age for I had become old enough to marry and become queen.”

Ryuu has not done his research about the setting, because to be unmarried at 21 in a medieval setting was considered getting up there in years, as mildly horrifying as the concept sounds to a modern mind.

However, a brief Google search turns up that the average life expectancy in medieval England was THIRTY. Being married off and expected to give birth at 14 or 15 years old makes a certain degree of sense now, doesn't it.

And speaking of coming of age at 14 or 15, there is no valid reason here for Zelda not to be ruling her own kingdom. For that matter, why is she uncrowned? Even the most cursory glance at history shows that that's a huge invitation for rebellion, would-be usurpers and civil war. Even if she was a child she would have been crowned and made a figurehead until she was legally of age. 

But having her wait till 21 to rule when for all you know she could only live to be thirty is just... A giant example of why you need to do research.  

Please, please do the research next time, Ryuu. Everything thus far is thrown together so hastily that it almost seems like you have no pride in your work whatsoever. As someone who does take pride in her work, that's extremely disappointing for me to see.

Squid Reviews: CotT Prologue

Hey. I'm MSTing Ryuu's fanfic, Child of the Triforce, over on my WordPress, so I decided to do a proper review of it at the same time.

I already have to read it multiple times so I figure I may as well get as much material out of it as I can.

When I say this is going to be a “proper review”, by the way, I mean I'm only going to offer criticism. Being a smartass is going to go on the backburner for a bit. Well, as much as humanly possible. It's not intentional if some slips out. For me, that's a self-defense mechanism, and if it happens I'm sorry.

Right, first up is the Prologue. You can find the whole thing over here. And for some more shameless self promotion, you can find my MST here if you want to watch me be less reasonable and much more of a jerk.

The title alone reeks of special snowflake/Sue syndrome, actually. So this isn't a good start. But the plot...

The abridged version is that this chapter is a retelling of Ocarina of Time from Princess Zelda's perspective. This is completely unnecessary. If you're looking for Ocarina of Time fanfiction you've probably completed the game or are at least familiar with the story. I would strongly suggest deleting this entire chapter, as it adds nothing to the story beyond saying “it's five years later”, and there's better ways to do that.

Right off the bat, Ryuu writes:

“Narrator: Princess Zelda”

It's really NOT necessary to do that, because your readers probably aren't stupid enough to not pick up on that. Believe it or not, most people actually don't like someone holding their hand through a story. Very nearly everyone I know prefers to use their imaginations.

And it's extra pointless to say Zelda's narrating when you write:

“All this trouble caused by a desire to keep disaster from happening. I am ashamed to admit that the young girl was me, Princess Zelda.”

Normally, people would pick up on this the first time someone uses the character's name, if not earlier, but you went one step further. There's absolutely no need for the “Narrator:” thing.

The content of the story itself... We make it two sentences in before there's an error in the face of canon:

“A hero from the forest, assisted by a white fairy, [...]”

As I think everyone who's played Ocarina of Time knows, Navi's blue. I have no idea where white came from, but I can assure you she's blue.

Call me crazy, but I don't think that's white.

A large error this early on is careless and makes your entire fanfic look sloppy, which doesn't really encourage people to read further. It doesn't take a lot of research, as you can clearly see from the art and from her in-game sprites that Navi is very much blue.

Moving on, everything's written in very stilted language and while your mileage may vary here, I feel the pace is really bogged down by it. I'm less than one paragraph in and it's already dragging a bit.
And then this happens:

“In this dream, she had seen the boy Link and she felt the dark clouds in her dream resembled a dark-looking man she was spying at.”

When someone has a history of making racist remarks, this is really not a good choice of wording. Actually, it isn't a real great choice of wording at all. But it's especially unnerving in this case, as I believe most of us are aware the author's made several racist and xenophobic remarks. And Ryuu refers to Ganondorf as a dark man several times.

Ryuu, I'm begging you: please, please, please change that. It makes me extremely uncomfortable with your history, and I'm not a Woman of Color by any stretch of the imagination.

After that unnerving set of comments, it's pretty slow going, really. Some of these sentences, for example:

“She threw to him a musical instrument, an Ocarina, as she had ridden away on the horse her attendant was carrying her with."

Are really hard to read. This, by the way, can be interpreted as Impa carrying Zelda along with a horse. Poor wording choice, that. (And someone totally needs to draw that, but I digress.)

And then there's:

“Using me as bait, he caused Link to travel through even more torture just to come to my aid.”

Traveling through torture is a horrible, awkward word choice. Torture is not a place, you cannot travel through it. A better word choice would be “Link traveled through more hardship to come to my aid”. I would strongly suggest Ryuu check both a thesaurus and a dictionary and try to see if he can find the word he's going to use used in a sentence.

So after we slog through everything everyone already knows, we reach the present-day:

“At last, the war was finally over. We could rest at last. But, I could not help but express the guilt in my heart for such things that had happened. I wanted to give back to Link what he had lost: Seven crucial years of his life. With the Ocarina I had given him those years ago, I played for him a song that would return him to the past so that he could live his life as I believed it was to be.

But for whatever reason, the kingdom that had suffered so much still stands as all before had still taken place.”

What... Actually happened here? I'm still not sure. But based on later chapters, I THINK she somehow managed to send Link back in time but the rest of the kingdom stayed in the present.

This is a painfully obvious plot device that exists just so Ryo can come in and save everything. This NEEDS to be removed, as this reeks of Mary Sue. I have no objection to canon/fancharacter pairings in and of themselves, believe it or not, but I do have an issue with canon/fancharacter pairings that completely remove a RATHER MAJOR PLOT ELEMENT, IN THIS CASE LINK, FOR THEM TO COME TO FRUITION. If you look at this in a rather sinister way, you can interpret this as "Ryuu is threatened by the fact that his girlfriend supports ZeLink", incidentally.

I'm also confused by the fact that Princess Zelda has experienced the seven year time jump as an adult AND an additional five years but has nothing to add to the story except “I felt guilty”. What was she doing before she became Sheik? Where was she? There's absolutely nothing new there, so why even bother writing this up?

My final thoughts...

THINGS I'D LIKE TO SEE ADDED OR EDITED: Nothing. No, really, nothing.

THINGS I'D LIKE TO SEE REMOVED: This whole chapter. It serves no purpose, and assuming your readers have forgotten enough to retell the entire story is just insane. It's a drawn out chapter that could be be reduced to a paragraph or less in chapter one explaining that Hyrule's spent the past five years healing.

Also, Link doesn't NEED to be gone. Still, I'm fairly sure the Ocarina of Time doesn't work that way in Hyrule (Termina's a parallel universe and so I'm not counting that here.) Find a more plausible solution if you absolutely have to remove Link from the picture, though I still can't see a need.

OVERALL OPINION: There's literally nothing worth saving in this chapter. Writing can be hit and miss and this chapter is definitely a miss. The chapter is stilted, drawn-out and a rehash of everything your readers know. There's not even enough new content here to get a decent-length review.